Reflections as the sun sets

As 2013 draws to a close, I guess it's time to pause and take stock of what are the most important events that happened to me.

This year was a year of change - definitely. Taking massive strides and leaps into areas which I do not know how far I can succeed. But the central underlying theme that permeates every decision seem to point towards one direction, I'm becoming more and more robotic, more and more practical at the expense of relationships and emotional ties.

Well... I'm blogging less and less these days, blogging being part of my impractical and time wasting activities (ironically, I'm reflecting a lot more nowadays).

So before I start getting annoyed at myself for being so unfocused, let me list down the most important events this year for me (*not in order of importance).

1) Mid January: I obtained my license as a fully certified Financial Adviser. Passing a total of 12 modules within 3 months. The nightmare of studying for the 12 examinations still haunt me sometimes, but obtaining the license validated my belief that I am not stupid - definitely.

2) February - March: I transited from DBS bank to Citibank IPB, almost without a moment's hesitation. I believe to this day that it was one of the best decisions I made.

3) January: I met Nicole, Ayesa and Brandon. Along with Jason and RJ, we forged a really interesting group of friends with diverse opinions and similar interests.After more then a decade, I think I found home in a small group of friends that I can talk to.

4) May: My first medical mission opened my eyes to a poverty strickened world beyond Singapore. Some people come for medical help, some come for emotional help, we all provided them.

5) Mid June: I removed my specs for the first time in my life, and read all the words on the optic chart without mistakes. The epiLasik costed a bomb, but I now have almost perfect vision.

6) Mid November: I got my synthesizer. Nuff said.

7) November: I removed my wisdom teeth. Bringing my total teeth removed due to my mouth being too small to 8. 

8) November: My RM and I won an award called "Honey Pot". While, I know it is hugely due to her hard work and skill, I also believe that I played relatively successfully a small role in helping create the complete customer experience for her clients.

9) July: I jumped into Dayang to scuba dive for the first time.

10) Mid December: I visited the Philippines   for the first time and had a gastronomical experience.

Okay, I'm getting sleepy.

In the mocking silence

And then the voices come.
They tell you that you are not good enough.
They tell you are a failure.
They tell you that you'll never be able to make it.
They tell you that the task is too difficult.
They tell you that life will only get harder.

They question your resolve.
They question why despite trying so hard you are still going downhill.
They question why it is you are such an incompetent fool that others can accomplish such simple tasks yet you can't.
They question your beliefs.

And they slowly but surely nudge you towards the inescapable pit.

Your best is not enough, because if your best is getting you the worst, it's time to reconsider what you think is getting you there.

Dear Andrew. Just give up.

To See Again

Now that I look back, I think I should have reminiscence more specifically at the point at which my myopia sets in most strongly.

My vision now doesn't seem to be 20/20, but its far better then previously, though it does seem that my eyes aren't what they used to be.

Well, while it is fresh from my mind, let me recount the entire process of my Lasik experience:

It starts with a series of tests, almost 2 hours long, where they test your eyballs using all sorts of pretty harmless looking equipment. There were about 6 different machines and after that, a lengthy session with the sci-fi looking glasses that helps the optician accurately pinpoint what is the extent of your myopia.

On a side note, apparently there IS a possibility that you could claim Medisave for Lasik, but only if your myopia and astigmatism reached a certain ratio. I barely managed to fall into that category, so now it's cross-fingers and pray that I could get a government subsidy.

Next, the assistant will test your eyes with a series of eye-drops. The main reason according to her was to ensure that there is no allergic reaction to the eye-drops that would be use during the surgery itself.

So that was it for the first day.

The second day was a few days away (for those who find my English incomprehensible, good on you). It was a pretty long wait at the clinic before the consultant finally saw me. He gave me a thorough breakdown on what was the report on my eye, and even kindly drew me a diagram on how my eye saw stuff. (which was quite interesting actually - did you know that technically your eyes see things upside-down? Your brain turns it right side up) - anyway, he warned me that my retina thickness was below average, and the likelihood of me doing a second Lasik, in the event of an under-correction or similar might be near impossible.

Yes, it is possible for the doctor to make mistakes even with today's technology. That set me thinking. But eventually I relented and agreed to sign the indemnity and all the necessary forms.

The day of the surgery itself was nerve wrecking. I took an hours' leave to leave earlier from my office to travel to the clinic to calm myself down. The operation was scheduled to begin at 5:30, but there were plenty of things to do before that.
First I had to read through an indemnity listing all the possible side effects (which I already researched, found out and knew), the follow-up costs involved and of course, the payment.
Interestingly, (and most scarily), before the start of the operation, I had to upfront first. This was not the normal procedure that I generally hear about operations. But I did so anyway.

So begins the operation.

The assistant ran me through all the eye-test machines and confirmed all my eyeball statistics again, before asking me to change into the attire for the operation room. - you know, the pyjamas-like, light-weight green uniform that patients always wear in ER. Before proceeding to tilt back my head to input a barrage of de-sensitizing eyedrops.
Interestingly, I did not feel my eyes getting desensitized or numb. But of course, I would not for the life of me poke my eyes to find out.

In the operation theatre, the doctor was a jovial cherub and the two nurse beside him looked as serious as corpses. He bid me climb on the operation table where a huge machine hovered on top. It really looked like something out of a science fiction book.
I meekly crawled onto the bed, getting increasingly nervous with each passing moment.

Once I was "settled' and "in-place" (I use inverted commas because I was trembling seriously), the doctor started to crack multiple jokes, I guess in a bid to calm me down, but it didn't really work. It was more of my knowledge that he has done over a thousand patients and have over 20 years of experience that calmed me down.
He used a metallic clip-like thing to fasten over my eyes, causing me to be unable to blink I was thinking that I would be unable to control the blinking, after all... it was a natural human reaction to blink. But curiously enough, I did not feel the urge to blink. I guess that was the work of the numbing eyedrops.

Next, the surgeon put some eyedrops that did something, I'm not sure. But I know it's not the numbing eyedrops, as this particular eyedrops caused my vision to become blurry.

Immediately after that, he put a lens over the eye, and smeared some dark stuff onto the lens. Then the machine came to live.
I must say, even a man with ironballs would grimace on hearing the high pitch hum of the machine.

There were three lights, if I recall, green, yellow and blue, with a small red centre. The light was never blinding, nor was it painful to look at. My body was on manual processing mode, and every order from the surgeon was met with as precise a movement from my biological construct.
He told me to look into the red centre, and he calibrated some stuff, then begun the Lasik for real. The operation took less then 15 seconds, but it felt like a few minutes at least. The laser was not painful as it filled my entire vision with blue, yellow and green and red. But you could distinctly smell something burning, like a BBQ. I prayed so hard that nothing would go wrong.
Towards the end of the 15 seconds, my vision slowly started fading to darkness, then almost as fast as it faded, my vision came back, blindingly bright. - it was done, now for the other eye.

The total operation duration was 15 minutes tops, but it felt like hours inside.

When it was finally done, I cautiously lowered myself out of the bed and into heaven - everything around me was blazingly bright. The lights had massive halos, and white light was WHITE light. Even the doctor's suit seemed to be some holy radiant garment.
The surgeon then asked me to take a photo with him on his iPad and then proceeded to usher me out of the theatre.

I was given a pair of super dark sunglasses to wear, with extra protection around the edges for protection from the damnable haze. My eyes was flooded with an anti-inflammatory eyedrops and an antibiotic eyedrop. And I was sent packing.

So here I am - it has been about 2 weeks since the Lasik and my vision is slowly returning, but things are still blur, much to my angst. It feels like about 100 degrees right now. One protective lens is still in my right eye, as it is recovering slower then expected. But all is good.

I hope it will get better.

Spectacle Woes

This is probably my last blog post before my lasik operation due in a few days. 

And after that, I'd probably need to rest my eyes a heck lot also.

So before my vision gets fully restored again, I think I should catalogue what the world looks like to me with 450/650 on my left and right eyes respectively. Guess I shouldn't leave this cataloguing to my post operation, lest the Australian syndrome relapses again.

How does the world look like to me right now?

I guess, for almost 20 years of my life, I have peered through the world through a pair of frames. I hardly noticed my vision getting blurrer and blurrer until it reached a point in time when I lost my pair of spectacles, and I realized just how truly lost I am.

Let me list some horrible disadvantages for wearing spectacles:

1) Waking up in the morning, and for some reason, you can't remember where you placed your spectacles the night before.

Good luck trying to find it, especially if it has dropped behind the bed.

2) Inability to wear any shades. 

I find this a major fashion inconvenience. I like Oakleys, alot. It doesn't help that I can't wear 90% of their products. This, on top of being unable to shield yourself from the glare of the noonday sun - even with a full photogrey or transition lens, the glare is still substantial.

3)  Swimming.

For avid swimmers, we know that there are several types of goggles. Those fat lace goggles for noobs and those sleek racing goggles. Unfortunately, there are hardly any sleek racing goggles catered for those blessed with myopia. So we make do with the fat lace goggles. But it aint a problem, we can still swim faster then you - it just looks, well... 

4) Football.

I think my only paranoia about that game is the ball hitting my face - which incidentally, is quite often. I've lost like 3 spectacles due to some dudes who believe they are Frank Lampard. Apart from the ball making love to your face, is the fact that your spectacles tend to file for divorce when you sweat. This is the reason why in NS, it is so important to get those rubber hooks behind the spectacles. Especially my spectacles; once having made love a few times to a soccer ball, has the tendency to slip away from my face when I'm sweaty.

5) The bathroom.

I'm narcissistic. But who can deny it sucks being unable to see yourself in the mirror when you are bathing. - okay, maybe I might be abit over, but really, reaching out for the shampoo grants you the conditioner and the conditioner grants you the bodywash..... you get my drift. You can't wear your spectacles while you bathe, it doesn't work. 

6) The giant fireballs at night. 

Astigmatism is one side effect of myopia. Your light sources get amplified unnecessarily, and your night vision fails you especially when you need to go to the toilet to pee in the middle of the night.

7) 3D Movies. 

Nuff said. Have you seen a 3D glasses with prescription? 

8) Meeting up with new people and having them comment. "ooh, that guy is so nerdy-cute!". 

Yeah, I can probably lift heavier weights then your boyfriend and 75% of your non-spectacle-wearing-guy-friends on your facebook. Who's nerdy-cute now? heh. But seriously, I don't mind.. I think I'd probably miss that comment most when I zap out my glasses.

9) Zero peripheral ability. 

Birds have about 320 degrees of peripheral vision, Hedgehogs about 260 degrees,   Chimps about 140 degrees, Humans about 120 degrees of peripheral vision. I have about 90 degrees. This means that an assassin could stab me at the side and blink away fast enough that I would probably think my waist suddenly burst out in blood by itself. Talk about lack of defence. 

10) You can't see how the barber is cutting your hair.

This is probably one of the worst. The hairdresser can be happily snipping your hair away and you have no idea how he or she is mutilating your poor crowning glory. More then once have I put on my spectacles to a person I barely recognize any more. And they still have the cheek to ask you why you didn't stop them earlier. Hello, if I wanted my hair to be short, I'm not expecting it to be NSF army boy short, if I wanted it to be that short, I'd go to the deng-lang barber downstairs for $6 to get it done in 5 minutes.

Okay, there are a heck load of disadvantages wearing spectacles, but for those who have the luxury of wearing contact lenses, or never had to wear spectacles in your life before, please don't attempt to stop me from doing my lasik. It's worse then hypocrisy.

For once in my life, I want to see again - like a normal human being. 

Disorientation

Time flies when  you are busy. In fact, it flies even faster when you are productive.

Since I ever knew myself, I knew I was an introvert attempting time and again to pretend to be an extrovert. Interestingly, the motivations behind it is purely due to my belief that extroverts are much more likely to be successful in society in contrast to introverts.

I was asked today, "why do you think you are an introvert? you seem to be quite chatty and can hold a conversation pretty well!"

Ha. Complements aside, I know I'm an because I like being alone. In fact, I enjoy being alone so much that my "alone time" is so hard-wired into my schedule it is actually quite difficult to grab hold of me for anything.

Even in Australia, I loved sitting by myself at the front balcony (assuming it's not summer, God-forbid), and just reading from my laptop. Sometimes, I would even print out my lecture notes so that I can sit on top of the wooden table and bask in the warmth of the early spring and late autumn sun.

Above all, my gym time is as personal as it gets for most of it.

Oh well, I'm blogging because I actually have some breather time to recalibrate my thoughts.

My new job is pretty awesome. It's a standard 8:30-5:30 job, with the occasional stay-back-to-do-work-because-you-are-a-responsible-guy stints. My colleagues are AWESOME, it's such a warm and happy culture within the workplace that it is hard to feel miserable even under extreme stress (i.e. having to finish stacks of orders in one day).

I guess I have worked in quite a few places: Pastamania, Singapore Press Holdings, Mediacorp, DBS and now Citibank. But I don't think any of my predecessors really can come close to the supportive environment of my current workplace.

Humility is an important aspect of a structured, tall-pyramid, formal working environment, and I believe I ingrain it to a large extent in everything I do. - and I guess my colleagues take it quite well.

While the finance industry can be a terrifying place to many people who study the undercurrents, even to the point where some financial analysts and bankers would not even invest in stocks, despite their sizable income. While it is complicated, if the culture of the workplace is one that simplifies and pacifies, constantly looking for opportunity and being optimistic, it will inevitably overflow to the customers as well. 

right. okay.

enough of corporate culture philosophy.

An interesting fact is that I am actually the only male assistant banker within my department. I've lost count how many times they exclaimed that there is a yin-yang balancing problem within my department. Heh. Oh well, while I would love to work in an all-guys environment, I tend to end up at the other end most of the time.

It's still good, I guess (or rather hope) I'd be treasured more. Lol.

I get to talk to some very interesting customers occasionally as well. So, it's not a  boring job at all! 

Well, it IS clerical to a large extent, but hell, I can work out a ton of sweat after 6pm! 

So, in summary:

- Standard working hours

- Supportive working environment

- Kind supervisors

- Structured and systematic workflow

- Concrete roles and responsibilities

- Constant learning and adapting

- Employee and customer centric culture

- Decent pay

- Fantastic future job opportunities

It's pretty much a dream job for most people, especially introverts and systematically logical people. 

I'm having the time of my life at Citibank. =D

This is free advertising for them from the bottom of my heart.

I've lost count on how many times I just sit back, in the quiet stillness.

Tilt my head back and close my eyes,

Imagining I'm back there again. 

Blessed are the Rich

While I was browsing Facebook today, I stumbled upon an old friend's post that jolted me quite a bit.
She said: "God loves the rich more then the poor."

Try as I might, I could not fault her in that belief as from a secular perspective, it does seem quite true - God seems to be more bias towards the rich then unfortunate poor. It doesn't take much explanation to see why - the rich are able to buy their health, live much less stressful lives, leave behind momentous legacies that far outlasts their own physical lives... and much more.

In fact, with so many churches preaching about "faith giving", and "prosperity gospels", it does seem that one could actually buy their way to heaven using money.

But I digress, the above is merely from secular perspective. To see the world from the lens of God, a person needs to understand His heart first.

1) Jesus came down poor
God could easily send the Holy Spirit to impregnate one of Caesar's concubines and hey presto, you would get a Jesus who is not only has inexhaustible material wealth, he's also have a heck lot of political clout. But no, Jesus became born as a human being in one of the most poverty stricken districts smack right in one of the most culturally and capitally developed civilizations on earth. He was born to an abjectly poor family who probably was chased out of a tavern because of caste differences, and breathed His first breath in a stinky stable in a wooden box where donkeys eat their food out from.
He was the saviour of the poor first, before the rich even came to him.

Why would God do that? Seriously? Wouldn't it be easier if He sent Jesus to be born in a wealthy family? He would have a moneybag swiss-knife that could bend people to His will!

But nooooo. Poor.

God's heart for people is never to force people to accept His love. To use legions to subjugate populations to "confess Christ" is antithesis and heresy. He wants people to come to Him willingly, and to love Him out of a willing heart, with their own choice. That is why material wealth would be a hindrance instead of a tool in spreading the message of salvation.

2) Jesus' first teaching, the Beatitudes fore-mentions "poor", "meek", "persecuted", "weak", "hungry", with more then half of the reference in direct reference to people living in poverty.
Blessed are the poor.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake.
Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness.

Why? It's a ridiculous notion because it is the RICH who are blessed, isn't it?
C'mon. Blessed are the rich for they have a beautiful Porsche.
Blessed are the fabulously wealthy for they can buy their own frigging kingdom.

It is in this context when this teaching shines through. - Rich people do not need any more blessing. They are self sufficient in much, they are self sufficient in little. That is why they do not see blessings any more - what they see is, "I constructed my kingdom with my own hands, with my own social skills and expertise - where was God in all this?".
The marginalized and poor have nothing, every day they wake up is a blessing, every meal they eat they feel undeservedly grateful for it. It is in this when the poor are able to see God in the smallest plentitudes in their life..

3) The eye of the needle.
Probably one of the most painful statements that Jesus ever said.

I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:23-26

Rich people DESPAIR.
Well... if you were the disciples at that time you would probably baulk at this statement as it would probably mean in today's context - nobody to fund the church, no land from government, nobody to give large tithes.

But probably the more important statement is the last part of the verse which says, "Who then can be saved?" and Jesus answered. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Because in contrast with the lifestyle that Jesus was living, hell, probably every other person walking on the street was rich.

The rich will find it harder to enter the kingdom of heaven because the more material wealth they struggled to build on earth, the harder they will fight against relinquishing it.
For the poor person on the roadside, the homeless pauper, to give his lunch money of $2 into the charity box, merely means that he will go hungry again, maybe, God-Willing, he will be able to get another $2 for dinner.
For the wealthy CEO and billionaire, a proportionate equivalent of the pauper's $2 would be, yes, a couple of billion dollars. What goes through his mind is however, far more complex - what will happen to my business empire? My shareholders? My stock options? My loans? What about my reputation? What about the workers who work under me? - as a result, he'd probably throw in a grand $1000 bill and give himself a pat on the back saying, 'Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and render unto God what is God's.", without even understanding that he just condemned himself.

But does that mean that the rich cannot be saved? Of course they can!
Salvation itself is an impossibility apart from God.
Transcribed into the former passage, you get "With men, salvation is impossible." - and true is that.

Salvation itself is an impossibility, so why question impossibility unless you are questioning salvation?

So back to the topic, rich people are not more blessed.
Rich people, in fact, are more tested.

For every dollar you have comes from God, be it one or a billion dollars.
Blessed are those who believe with all their hearts that they are poor, if not for God.

Living On The Other Side of the World - The Weather

I miss Brisbane a lot. 

I think one of the thing I regret most not doing down under is blogging more and taking more photos. There are so many things which I struggle to recall, to reminisce... With each thought, a frantic grasp to store it in some deep recess of my mind, hoping it will never disappear.

Australia is a really beautiful place. From the most rustic villages to the most urban cities; the unique flare that carries the Australian spirit is omnipresent.

Well... In another bid to catalogue my fleeting memories, I'm going to list down 5 things which I find so awesome about Australia.

Today, it's the weather.

1) The Weather

I think most Singaporeans would agree that Singapore is too hot. Waaay too hot. But guess what, Singapore is not as hot as Brisbane in summer. The summer of 2012 took the temperature all the way up to a blasting 38 degree centigrade that merely staying in the shade was a token blessing. But guess what? Queenslanders love the sun, even in that mad, baking temperature, the man-made beach at South Bank (a testament to their love of the sun and sea), would be filled to the brim with people. Kangeroo Point would be alive with novice climbers attempting to conquer the scenic cliff. Brisbane River would be rife with jet skis and racing kayaks.

That is merely the summer. I could go on and on about  the beauty of having 4 seasons.

The transitions between seasons would bring a few weeks of light rain. Unlike the showers in Singapore which comes and goes in a flash; these light rain lasts for days on end - pausing only for a few hours before continuing their laborious task to shift the season. The temperature sometimes plummets during these transitions, especially between Autumn and Winter, Winter and Spring, dropping to as low as 5-6 degrees at night even. 

It's during these times when I like to sit at my half broken wooden table outside my house and gaze into the hazy mist. The constant raindrops soothes a troubled mind or wounded heart far better then any other therapy.

Autumn is a curious mix of warm, still air and cold gusts. It's absolutely my most favourite time to brush up on my running. Running down along Coronation Drive, beside the calm Brisbane River at just about sunset is probably one of the most memorable things I did frequently. The sun setting on the horizon reflects snake-like blazing flames onto a pristine, azure sky. Framed by the city, or even the Wheel of Brisbane by Southbank, could just wish you could capture that moment on film. The temperature is usually about 16 - 27 degrees, with the low humidity, it is a chore to break a sweat for constant runners.

Winter is a season which I have extreme mixed feelings about. I will never forget how I just curled up in bed, trying to cover myself with as many blankets and jackets possible.- nothing seemed enough. It did not help that my house was a typical wooden Queenslander house. The roaring winds at night pierced the walls and kept me awake, teeth chattering.

Yeah, pathetic, I know. But I was brought up in a tropical environment, where the lowest temperature is twice that of the max temperature in winter. It was not something I was used to.

Nonetheless, that experience made me appreciate warmth a lot more. I never understood the meaning of "the luxury of a thick blanket and warm fire", until I experienced winter. While heat can severely irritate a person, it never saps the life out of people. Cold however, has the ability to destroy willpower.

Nothing that a warm bowl of stew can't solve however! haha..

Spring is by far my most favourite season. I can dress in berms and tank top, or jeans and jacket and feel comfortable either way. The colours of nature are truly much more vibrant in spring. I have so much memories attached to spring that I doubt I could ever pen it all down.

The Jacaranda tree blossoms, the Toowomba Flower Festival, the River Fire... When you wake up at 7am in Spring, the sun is shining, yet it is the cool breeze of night you feel against your face. You step out into the sun and immediately you feel what is meant by "the sun's gentle caress" against your face. That warmth is glorious.

Springtime is one of happiness. For some reason, nothing gets you down when you wake up, and it affects you for the rest of the day. You think positive, you act positive and everybody around you is just - happy. It's like everything sleepy is waking up again.

Well.. that is it for the seasons.

In Summer, I went to Agnes Waters and the Town of 1770 to fulfill my dreams of touching the Great Barrier Reef. I went to Byron Bay, the town of true chill-out to snorkel. I went to Surfer's Paradise and Colongatta to learn how to surf, and of course experience the truly beautiful waves.

In Autumn, I went to the Gold Coast Hinterlands, Mount Tamborine to see the great trees and temperate rainforests - rainforests that did not have much insects that enjoy buzzing around you - rainforests that you can really enjoy. I went to the Sunshine Coast, to Noosa and the famous Eumandi Markets that stretch for almost a kilometre in length and breadth..

In Winter, I went to the city of Melbourne, climbed ancient mountains and travelled the Great Ocean Road. I went to Sydney city, took a billion photos of the Sydney Opera House, climbed the Harbour Bridge, ate at the Fisherman's Wharf, got lost in the Blue Mountains. In my last Winter, I went to magnificent New Zealand, travelled the entire length and breadth of the Southern Island, visited Queenstown, Christchurch, Milford Sound, Tekapo, Fox Glacier.

In Spring, I went to Toowoomba to gasp at the sheer amount of flora and fauna, went to Tweed Heads to check out the magnificent sea cliffs. I finally went to Tasmania, and travelled the entire circumference and everything in between in a fortnight of extreme adventure.

You see, I did use my time properly. Haha... I don't regret the sheer lack of time I had in Australia for stoning. Every day was an adventure, every season an opportunity. I studied hard, I played hard. And as for the weather, well... 

It was awesome. 

Parallex Error

Logic doesn't make sense in an emotional equation. It feels like ive been slammed left right and centre right in the middle of my emotional cortex.

I know the rules, and I've played that fatal game before. - never mess with those out of your league, it never ends well. So, how on earth could it even be remotely possible?

My confidence has soared drastically, yet when I attempt to rationalize the situation,  it plummets into an abyss. I could literally laugh and weep at the same time.

For every transaction, there must be an equal exchange. Seriously, what do I have to exchange that would be of value?

Heaven and earth never touches for obvious reasons.